A note on editing the Hedgehog Song (again!)

The Hedgehog Song has a long and glorious tradition of being the premier fan
song for the Discworld, or really for any series of books. Hundreds of verses
have been written, several compilings and editings have been done. Most notably
Warren Mars has made the most meaningful compilation in recent years, complete
with a catchy tune that has become the standard at conventions and such.
However, if you inspect that version, you may find that one more editing should
be done--and now has been done: by me. No disrespect to Mars, and I have lifted
material from his version extensively, including most of the tune. Is it
plagiarism? Yes, but no more than he has done from others before him, and I have
added a fair amount of my original content as well. But we're all on the same
team here, and if I can make a fun three-an-a-half minute version out of the
fifteen minute version, more power to the fans!

Here are some other considerations, applying to the Martian version and the
other verses you can find out there. The following stanza typifies the main
problems with previous versions.

You can bugger1 a this, you can bugger1 a that
You can bugger1 a wossname if you're wearing a hat2
You can bugger1 a germ3 though it's really quite small
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(Repeat formula for hundreds of verses.)

Here are the problems.

1. The use of the word "bugger" constantly could be less frequently used and
replaced by synonyms here and there. Although I would avoid "fuck" as well as
that is too explicit, at least for Americans. If you can sneak in a pun like
"ride" or "mount," all the better.

2. Lack of meaningful puns. Much of the time the words have nothing to do with
the animal mentioned but just go for a rhyme. Or sometimes they're just not that
funny. So only the best puns have been saved.

3. Too obscure animals. The point of this song is often the disturbing mental
image you get, but I can't even fathom how one would do a germ, a jellyfish, or
a termite. Some things are just too ridiculous. I actually cringe at the mention
of a snail, but since Pratchett himself penned that line, I guess it has to
stay, though I'd prefer a turtle at least. Mars grouped all the animals into
continents of origin and invertebrates and such, but I think some of those
categories are just too much. My song is grouped domestic animals and exotic
animals, with just a few of each.

4. The song is too long. Most versions on the web take 10 to 20 minutes to get
through. No one is going to sing along for that. I know that Nanny Ogg
referenced at least 17 verses, but maybe that's just for those particularly long
baths.

Other considerations include the rhyme scheme. Some have done ABAB, others AABB.
This one does both in a consistent and alternating way, and the tune I have in
mind reflects that. It is mostly the Martian tune with just a few changes,
primarily that disonant chord stuck in the middle is now properly minor.

When performing at the tavern or a convention, make sure your audience knows
that whenever you come to "The spines on its back!" (first line of the chorus),
the audience is supposed to shout the line with you and maybe clink their steins
together or stomp their feet on the word "back." Drag out the "the" so they're
all with you and wait a moment to continue the line and let the noise hang in
the air. Also, slow the song down significantly on the snail line and pause and
hold. And oh yeah, deliberately pronounce the 'g' in "gnu."

I am open to suggestions to make this even better, but I don't need fifty more
verses. I'm actually quite pleased with how it is at the moment and I feel it is
ready to be given to the public. The only problem I still have with it is that
the whole thing is a lecture from Noah to Ham which, to me, is a hilarious
setting--on a lonely boat with lots of animals but with ugly women--but these
characters are Roundworld characters, not Discworld. Still, Pratchett's world
has a lot of satirical correlations, so maybe an unofficial side story could be
added about Noah and his three sons, Sham, Ham, and Spam, who built an ark to
weather out a great flood, but Offler (or your God of choice) cancelled it in
favor of a light drizzle for forty days and the boat got stuck in the mud.
Anyway, something could be done.

Enjoy! And feel free to post these things anywhere or link back to my site.
Ryan Opp 4-18-2011