The Hedgehog Song (Why the Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All)
By Terry Pratchett, Matthew Crosby, Heather Wood, Mark Mandel, Warren Mars, Ryan Opp, and Others.
This version edited by Ryan Opp. December 2, 2009 and April 18, 2011.
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Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day,
When he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
There Ham clutched his loins, prompting Noah to say,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all!

"The humans are out, if you value your life:
It's incest, my son; we're all relatives, us.
Unless you'd make love to your hideous wife,
Worse comes to worse so we do what we must.
So bestiality must be the right thing to do,
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

"The spines on its back! Are too sharp for a man,
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can. 
The result I do think you will find will appall:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
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"You can sodomize goats, or a bull can be fun,
Grab Ass in its stable; get Ox in its stall,
Or mount up a deer that you've got with your gun,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

"You can bugger the cow—I will not tell you how.
The sheep is a classic, as well, you may find,
The boar, and the piglet, the shoat, and the sow,
Beware of the donkey when standing behind.
If you like going bareback, then ride on a horse:
The pony, the mare, and the stallion of course.
You can bugger a llama if it's not too tall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

"The spines on its back! Are so awfully thick,
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion prick.
It's just an impregnable hole in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
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"Catch the tiger's striped tail if you're some kind of fool,
Or perhaps help a leopard change its shorts and all,
Or try a giraffe, if you stand on a stool.
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

"You can ride on a camel with one hump or two,
And mounting a zebra can earn you your stripes.
The wildebeest really has something quite g'nu,
An elephant, too, if you like chubby types.
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim,
Or a blue-arsed baboon if you hang from a limb,
Or make time with a snail if you slow... to... a... crawl...
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

"The spines on its back! Are as cute as a bun,
You'd think he'd be perfect for sexual fun,
But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all,

"I hope with this song, son, you'll always recall
Why the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!"