Nothing moves me like a solid rhyme scheme, meter, and poetic metaphor. Or maybe some complete nonsense and low brow humor. Makes me feel like singing. And let's be honest, there's no way I could ever have a career as a recording artist. Tread carefully here, lest your soul ache and your ears bleed. Newest or recently edited stuff at the top, old stuff at the bottom.

• Stop NOT Interrupting
  This song was written about a specific woman in my past, but actually can apply to several of them. During these long-distance relationships, or just long-distance flirting, they call me at work, in the middle of the night, and multiple times a day and then suddenly disappear for weeks, and it's usually because they're in the hospital. It stresses me out. So the stress comes out in a quirky bluegrass tune, where the narrator has a considerable vocabulary, but this song was also nominated for best use of the lyric "dad-gum." Enjoy! Here is the tab sheet as well.


• Ode to a Shield Maiden
  In a Facebook singles group I used to be a member of, a woman reposted this Twitter post from some influencer in New York as a meme. It was an inspiration to write a silly poem that went completely over everyone in the group's head. I guess because it was written in Norse Code. This eventually became a song (with some lyric changes) and someday I would like to film a music video. My storyboard version is here for now. I also sometimes perform this live with props, so I have a karaoke version as well.


• If You're Gonna Pick Me Up (the Hourglass Song)
  The board game groups I'm involved in online (90% of what my social media accounts are for), had a craze of this meme popping up in various forms almost daily to the point where people were getting very tired of it or making counter-memes or parodies, etc. Here is my contribution to the madness. A friend of mine can do a better Rick Astley impression than I can, so I made him sing it for me.


• When You Danced With Me
  This is my a capella Do-Wop song I wrote in high school and recorded as a freshman in college. Please judge it by Do-Wop standards whether you like that style or not, and it will get stuck in your head all day. Almost 20 years later I re-recorded just the 3 background voices and made a karaoke version.


• Thrift Cycle
  I've been playing around with some complicated rhyme schemes, and this one takes the cake. I call it an AZBA poem, and plan on doing at least one more. It's like a cyclic chain. The story is of the frustrating, never-ending day one might have if they shopped at a very efficient thrift store, dilly-dallied too long inside, and were generally fairly unobservant and stupid. Here is an mp3 file of me reading it in 13 pitches to better group the distant rhymes.


• The Haunted Cemetary Co-Dead Softball League
  I made this graphic as a t-shirt idea for a softball tournament hosted by my work. The characters are based off of Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. The poem followed the graphic. I just get carried away sometimes.


• I've Just Gotta Get a Message to You (Discworld Version)
  This is the song that goes with a board game prototype I made. Yes, it has a song, as all board games should, sung by my cousin, my sister, and I. Words can be found here. A note on the Noooo!s: you'll see that each four-syllable couplet is a messages that could be sent on the clacks, and those sets get steadily worse: a breakup, a death in the family, a game loss, and the end of the song.


• Saria's Song
  This is for all those Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time fans out there. I took a song from the game and put words to it, almost everything important from the game. Then I sang it like a chipmunk and put pictures to the words.


• A Wizzard Looks at 50
  Rincewind is a character from Discworld. I wrote this Jimmy Buffett parody for the NADWCon 2011. Nobody there had heard of Jimmy Buffett. All of my Jimmy Buffett friends have never heard of Discworld. Wow, just wow. Note to self, don't mix your obsessions. Lyrics are here.


• The Hedgehog Song (Why the Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All)
  Inspired by Terry Pratchett and full of puns, this is a completely inappropriate drinking song to be sung in disreputable establishments most likely after intoxication. The author does not condone carnal inter-species relationships, unless of course you're stuck on a boat and all the women are ugly, and the men are your brothers. I mean, you've got to have standards. So then, what choice do you have? So get over your prudish inhibitions, clink your glass with your neighbor, and let loose a rousing, "THE SPINES ON ITS BACK...!" Words can be found here. A note on the many versions of this song and why mine is the best can be found here.


• Ode to Amelia
  Amelia Earhart, Denver news anchor, is in fact a distant relative of the more famous (for now) Amelia Earhart (edited: turns out not to be the case). She was also a pilot, and weather and traffic girl for 9 News (now she does a lot of speaking and art and who knows what else). She is also one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I fell in love with her through the television that was on in the mornings at the sign shop I worked at and was compelled to write this poem to her, which she liked (I got a short response of gratitude)!


• Sonnet #1 (Water)
  I don't have any amusing remarks for this one; it is soul-wrenching to me. But I will point out that it is almost Shakespearian in following Sonnet rules of 14 lines, 10 syllables each, ABABCDCDEFEFGG rhyme scheme, but alas, no iambic pentameter.


• Fly Away Songbird
  This is the break-up poem. It's very sad, but sporting some lovely iambic quadrameter. Eat that, Taylor Swift!


• We Shall Go On Together
  This is a Bombadil-ish love poem. Is it sappy and childish? Yes, but it was published in a yearly poetry anthology book at a prestigious university! I'm famous!

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